I told her "SURE" then i realized.. what did I commit to?
Even though I haven't done it yet... yes this is my first journey.. I have HONESTLY researched it since childhood! So this is a GENERALITY of what I suggest to do to prepare yourself for a journey in surrogacy. After all EVERY journey is NOT the same, and there are always MANY variables that go into surrogacy. However I hope this becomes like a "beginners guide" and I hope it helps SOMEONE out there!
Lets first start with... I am NOT an EXPERT AT ALL in this, I know what I know just from researching and talking with others, and tests and things I have done myself.
First question people ask me: WHY SURROGACY ?? Why not adopt?
Couples after years and years of trying to conceive with no pregnancy , having multiple miscarriages, medical problems that prevent pregnancy, failed adoptions, a desire to have a baby that is their own "flesh and blood," just to scratch the surface of ALL reasons people turn to surrogacy. After they are heartbroken enough, possibly trying IVF themselves, trying to adopt, with heartbreak of the birth mother changing their minds... they come to surrogacy.. Their "last chance" to have a baby is usually how IP's feel about the surrogacy process. THIS is why I am a surrogate!! I take a family that is emotionally broken from all the heartache, and help them fulfill a lifelong wish of having a baby! (I'm honestly crying over how much I feel about this subject!) What could be more of a selfless, loving special gift to give someone?
The second question they ask is: HOW can you give the baby away?
People think Surrogacy is like adoption for the surrogate. So she MUST be emotionally attached to the baby etc. for ME.. SO NOT TRUE!!... I will love the baby like an aunt and sure I will wonder about the baby, however.. I'M NOT THE MOM!
This baby is LOVED WELL before I am even in the picture let alone when I even get pregnant!! FOr all those reasons listed about those parent LOVE THAT BABY WAY MORE THAN I could even DREAM to!! (**side note** Don't let me steer you into a false belief that I don't love the baby, I do and always will, just like my nieces and nephews, and family, you always hope they are doing great even though you may or may not have contact with them!) The baby is so loved from the time its a little gamete, to zygote, to embryo, to fetus, to baby!!
I always know and have the mind frame that I am just an EXTREME BABYSITTER! .. I'm the stork... NOT the mother!! I make sure everyone around me knows this baby is not mine, its for a loving couple that needs my help!! Heck I have been preping people my WHOLE LIFE, cause I have ALWAYS KNOWN I was going to be a surrogate one day. But definitely letting people know that you are looking into surrogacy helps people prepare themselves, keeping form the awkward questions in the pregnancy.
As I have said (and probably will say many more times) Its the ultimate thing I can do to help a family!! give them their baby they have loved for years already! How amazing is THAT?!?!!?
With that.. lets get started on steps to surrogacy ... {looks up} that was quite the intro... I hope I deliver well :P I will list a step: separate into Surro and IP's and what I have done or plan to do.
#1 Pre-matching
Both:
- Educate themselves!! Learn about everything , all possibilities, what will work financially, emotionally, and how it will affect their families lives!
- Figure out your position on
- Termination,
- Selective reduction,
- How many babies your willing to transfer/ carry at a time
- What you want to pay (or be paid). See my example contract for guidelines of what you want to have) Star the things you find critically important
- Do you want a local surro/ ip? what can you do for the other party if you can't find one locally?
- Find out your states Surrogacy laws!!Some states are TOTALLY illegal to do surrogacy like Washington DC, New York, Arizona. Then range all the way down to open and easy states like California, Illinois and Florida.
- Do you want Traditional Surrogacy or Gestational Surrogacy? know your reasons WHY. Be open to considering terms of WHY from the other party as well.
- Decide if you want to work with an agency: are they exclusive? are they inclusive or just a match maker?
Surrogates:
The surrogates need to make sure they are medically, financially, and emotionally ready and prepared to be a surrogate. PERIOD!
- Surrogacy should NEVER be for financial reasons.
- I kind of reference being called to be a surrogate similar to a nun being called to be a nun. It is not meant for everyone, but it has to come from within your soul WELL before any thought of monetary gain. Would you do it for free if it didn't change your way of life ?
- Speaking of money, the surro needs to decide on what they will ask IP's for for their compensation. When figuring out your compensation rate it can feel "tricky". There can be feelings that you are taking advantage of them, you aren't being valued, I have had an IM flat out tell me that my rate was horrifying because its "not that hard" to be pregnant. But at the same time needs to take in account how the pregnancy affects your life.
- Be aware of what financially will change in your life if you are a surrogate. What will you need to pay for? Will there be lost wages? Can you do your work from home? How will your kids and home be cared for if you were to go on bedrest?
- Have yourself Emotionally available to be a surrogate.
- DO not go into surrogacy if you are trying to "discover yourself"
- Surrogates should not have a history of mental illness including: suicidal attempts, depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, self injury (also known as cutting), bulimia, anorexia.
- Seeing a therapist is great ...cause lets be honest here.. EVERYONE has had crappy things happen, but being clinically diagnosed with an unstable disorder is NOT a fit for a surrogate. Being a surrogates has enough ups and downs that adding mental illness to it is a DISASTER!
- Have an emotionally stable support system! Have friends and family that will be supportive of your choice to be a surrogate. Stress can harm the baby, and you NEED to be surrounded by supportive people while your pregnant! for the safety of the IP's baby!
- Medically prepared: Believe it or not but a surrogate has to have ALOT to become a surro!
- BMI under 35-- the lower the better- some clinics for IVF will only take surros under 30 .. when I got serious about being a surro, my BMI was 50.5. It took me a year to get healthy enough!
- Medically healthy!! No diabetes, lupus, or other serious medical conditions.
- Make sure you can pass and provide your IP's with a current, no less than 6 months old:
- Psychological exam,
- Physical,
- Pap Smear,
- Clearance letter by OB,
- Blood testing for: Chlamydia, GC culture HIV 1 & 2 RPR TS Hepatitis B Hepatitis C CBC CMV IgM Blood Metabolic Chem Panel Blood type and Rh
- Hair follicle drug testing
- I also went the extra mile and had an SIS done to assure the family of my Uterine health.
- For a GS, be OK with taking injectable medications! its part of the IVF process!
Intended Parents:
Similar to Surros, you need to be Emotionally, Financially and Medically prepared to go into a journey. However your perspective is slightly different:
- Financial-
- Usually at this point in an IP's life usually have already spent THOUSANDS on trying to have a baby their financial resources may be tapped out and drained. So what needs to truly be looked at is can you truly afford having a surrogate?
- Financially ready to pay for: the Legal ($1500-$7000) , Medical (insurance, so pays etc)($2500+) IVF treatment (for GS) ($7,500-16,000) Surrogate Fee ($25,000-$45,000) Agency Fee's (if you use an agency) ($3,000-10,000) Travel for surrogate and other random fee's ($0-5,000)
- Look into loans and ways to pay for the process. it can be hard on your family's income.
- Emotionally - this part is-well emotional- even though I have the IP's emotions in my thoughts at all times, please understand, that we have to truly seek these questions to know that we ARE ready! (This is not meant to attack or hurt anyone at ALL, but to help seek closure. I'm a therapist remember, its my job to help hash out emotions)
- Intended Mother- are you emotionally prepared to handle another woman having your baby? Can you love your surro without jealousy and anger at your own body? Have you grieved your miscarriages and ready to seek another emotional roller coaster? (lets be honest surrogacy is an EMOTIONAL roller Coaster! )
- Is your marriage/ relationship doing well? are you trying to have a baby to save your marriage?
- Are you seeing or have seen a therapist to help you process your emotions? or to help you and your spouse?
- Don't be obsessed with having a baby. It will over stress you and wont help anyone!
- I recommend Reading: Mark Matika's book on Learning to love yourself and living life happy and fulfilled. Its an AMAZING book that I read MONTHLY! (its a thin book that can be read in a couple hours) This will help set up your emotional grounding :) and EVERY TIME I read it I find more and more that I need to learn and implement into my life!
- Medically
- Are your gametes tested and ready to go?
- Do you have an RE?
- Have your husbands sperm tested, and your eggs tested to see if you can use your own gametes in the process.
- Do you have Embrio's ready? if you are testing for diseases have you had it done yet?
- If you need donated Gametes (sperm or eggs) do you have that lined up?
- Some states require the IM to prove her infertility do you have that documentation ready?
- Have your testing ready for your Surro so that she knows what is going her body is not going to harm her. Blood testing for: Chlamydia, GC, culture HIV 1 & 2 RPR TS Hepatitis B Hepatitis C, CBC, CMV IgM Blood Metabolic Chem Panel Blood type and Rh,
OK so yes that was ALOT to do and know when thinking about Surrogacy. But they are all things that need to be thought about.
I really hope this is helpful to you!
I'm sure I missed a few things... What else do you think needs to be on this list? Post in the comments.
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