Psych evals.. What's the Reality of it?

Update to what's going with my match:

Friday is my Psych Evaluation. Not worried its easy... heck I did them for a living so I know how simple they are :P 

This week my IM should be getting with the fertility clinic to work out the financial stuff and then they will be reviewing my records and determine if I am OK to be at their clinic...  

In the meantime her lawyer is reworking our contract to make it legal for California.  So everything is rolling on. 

In the meantime I've been contacted by 2 other IP's... one I was thinking about matching with a few months back, they established they couldn't afford to have a surro. They have since been figuring out financing and is now ready. They were sad to hear I was matched, but understood I couldn't wait for them. 

Then this morning was another set of IP's who's hearts were broken by their surro 10 days before transfer.. so rough!!  If I wasn't matched already with the amazing MaMa D  I'm sure I would have matched with the lady I talked to this morning... I feel so bad for her situation.. she lost a family member this week, lost her surro and found out another family member is terminally ill... I feel so sorry for her situation and her heart! (sending serious positive vibes her way) 

Which brings me to my subject I'm going to write about today... 

Psych Evals 

Not just on my mind because:

1. I did them for a living 
2. I will be having one done on ME this week.. (which is funny cause I've GIVEN probably 100+ of them, but never had one myself.. except for in grad school as practice on each other.. but I'm pretty sure that doesn't count) 
3. one of the things this IM and I talked about, even though her surro passed her eval she failed to mention that she was cheating on her husband, her marriage was on the fritz and she was living with her friend with her 3 kids to "save money". can we say red flags? 

As part of the surrogacy process we feel more secure doing a Psych Eval so that we are sure that the other part is SANE enough to work with and trust each other with our lives, bodies and babies. However How easy is it to manipulate? 

First I'm gonna preface this post with a disclaimer: GET A PSYCH EVAL!! Both IP's and Surro's need to have them cause it WILL show some red flags.. however not all!! This post it will ultimately boil down to.. don't put all your eggs in the basket if they do pass. There still may be hiccups. People lie, and withhold truth from the therapists! I know I have personally done Psych evals where I flat out said "not suitable for ____". Just because the person gets it done doesn't mean its listened to. It is sometimes overlooked and they still move forward with whatever I did the eval for. So how much do you need to look at the evals? 

I'm sure you may have heard of this lifetime movie called "The Surrogacy Trap" Its a movie that just came out on the Lifetime network, and lets be honest it was FREAKY!! and if I was an IP and I saw it I would rethink ANY surro!! Heck the girl in the movie had a psych eval, passed with flying colors... Lets be CLEAR...99.99% of surro's are usually NOT off their rocker!! But I can totally understand the terror of an IP trusting a stranger to have their baby. So HOW do you help calm fears? 

Reality: 

#1 WE ALL SEE WHAT WE WANT TO SEE! ..
#2 PEOPLE LIE! 

IP's often look beyond clear signs of an unhealthy surro because they are just so grateful to have a surro, and eventually baby!! 

Surro's often look past an IP's psych eval because of the same thing, they are just happy to have an IP! 

We are naturally inclined to trust people but make sure you A: Communicate. sometimes things  ARE misunderstandings however also B: get 3rd party information as well. and C. Check facts! 

You can have the best Therapist in the world, but they only spend 3 hours of one on one time with the person to get my conclusions. It is all based on what they see, as well as what they tell them, so they CAN BE DUPED just as easily as you. However here are some things I suggest you do to protect yourself even more: 

So HOW do we prevent from unhealthy people in our surro relationships? .....  GET TO KNOW THEM!! 

I know this is a given... a psych eval may weed out super loonies.. but I suggest a few things that will help you make this IMPORTANT decision that goes BEYOND the psych eval. 

#1 GOOGLE THEM 

Don't forget to google all names they have used. Look for histories not listed on the Psych eval. (there should be a section where it asks about marriages, relationships, and legal history) and ASK QUESTIONS about them. 

#2 ADD THEM ON FACEBOOK! 

You can learn a lot from a person's facebook. Nothing is better to get to know someone than seeing how they interact with their friends and family; you can learn their attitude about life; learn of their support system. Look for photos they are tagged in, look throughout the postings for flighty unhealthy posts. Posting about self hate, unhealthy body distortions and negativity towards others are always are red flags.  Think about how they talk about other people and how you would be posted about if something doesn't go their way! 

#3 BACKGROUND CHECKS

Legal- Obvious reasons... check for drug charges, physical violence etc. also let them tell you their side and as for the court record. 

Marriages/ divorces - who is supporting them ? how often do they move on to another person? don't go with someone that's had 6 marriages with 5 kids in a 6 year time frame!! use common sense here... if it smells fishy.. there is bound to be a carcass somewhere! 

References- Personal, family, previous surro matches, therapist, work. Ask about positive and negative points of the person.. DON'T ask yes or no questions. People are polite and want to help thier family, friend, co worker. so get in depth questions. 

#4 Talk to them as if you were looking to date them. 

Analyze them as though you were intimate. so that you can know if you can handle sticking by them in hormonal times!! I know this sounds WEIRD... but honestly you are committing to them for a year (or more) so you need to know them very intimately!


I hope this post isn't overboard but its been on my mind. I want to make sure people are aware of risks and there is NO guarantee! Its all an experience! and hopefully it ends as a good experience.


My services: 

This posting and blog is not about self serving my profession as a Life coach-with a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. However.. I chose this profession so that I can help people! I love my job ! I enjoy helping people build on positive communication and helping families grow in a positive way! Before entering the Surro world I specialized in Marriage's (love working with my couples!) Divorce (providing healthy parental relationships as dynamics change so that children have a healthy positive environment while their parents are divorcing) Sexual dysfunction/ Addictions (self explanatory),  and Families with children or parents with disabilities. (helping the whole family cope and deal). I am PLEASED and excited to add infertility and reproduction to my specializations!

I am able to be a single stay at home mom, and not burden MY IP's with lost wages by doing online coaching via Skype. This allows everyone to win.

So I will do a selfish plug here and offer my life coaching services. I can contract for both Individual, family, Surro sessions. I was previously  licensed as an Associate Marriage and Family therapist (licence JUST expired, with no problems and can renew whenever I choose) and I have a masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. I chose to do life coaching because I chose to look forward and not focus on the past in life.
Using me throughout the surro process helps you be confident that you are helping another surro and her IP's as well as knowing that she has been there done that as well!

Give me a call if your interested! (435) 531-1242

Happy searching and being a PI to look into each others lives!

Have a great day ya'll :)