2 people went searching.. looking for THE ONE someone to fulfill their dreams and truly make them HAPPY!!! Searching... looking..... getting set up to meet....meeting people online.....meeting in person.... Talking , skyping, texting.... then They meet the "one" they have a feeling about and just have a great emotional connection with and they want to learn more about each other! They soon fall in LOVE with each other. They dote all over each other and tell everyone they know about how AMAZING the other person is!! They talk and text each other daily... they learn the most intimate details about each other. They introduce her to the family..
Then one of them says that SHE is THE ONE they want to commit to!
Eventually they set a date.. the date is what everyone is looking at and excited to have it happen eventually its LEGAL! She is PART of the family! They are a "perfect match!!" They cant wait to get pregnant and start right away! They are ALL on cloud 9 when they find out they're gonna have a baby! They spend the next few months in the honeymoon phase and doting over every detail of the pregnancy and each other !
You rarely see either of them not smiling.. they are both SO excited and happy!
Miscarriage may happen but they are both there for eachother and are there for the ups and downs!
They come to all the Dr's appointments and she feels like she will be in their lives forever!
The baby comes and the parents come and take their baby.. they are grateful for her but the texts end, the calls stop and she is abruptly not in their life... they are busy with their baby and are forever grateful for her bringing life to their child they respect and love her for that.
Their calls and texts become less frequent and she falls into the role of auntie that lives in another state that gets called every once in a while and eventually months pass without calls, then years... She is at peace she is fulfilled in helping them be happy and have a baby...
Doesn't this story kinda feel like dating, marriage and divorce ?? ... it does.. but its the story of a surrogate...
On one of the surro groups I'm on one of the girls asked the experienced surro's to tell her how it "really is."
As I was reading the responses some of them expressed they missed the frequent calls/ texts, the relationship with their IM's changed, some expressed being lonely in the hospital after the birth, all knew that everyone was loved, but their dynamics just changed... I got to thinking that as a therapist I specialize in Divorce therapy and teaching the "new roles" and Dynamics when you are not longer focused on each other but more focus on the kids.
My feelings...
Granted I have yet to have a surro baby. However I can see how these feelings can hurt none the less. I think that if I know the dynamics change in advance it will help prepare me for it. Being AWARE of the feelings and having a set plan for the future allows the surro (and the IP's) to prepare for the dynamic change :)
I am personally so excited for the day that I deliver MaMa D's baby and she is sitting across the room snuggling on her baby and I'm on the other side of the room snuggling on my daughter. I think that will truly make me SO full filled :) One of my surro friends posted a picture of her IM from when she had her baby.. and WOW .. the look on her face just makes ALL the surrogacy worth it! Honestly my favorite Surro mom/ IM/ baby pic I've EVER seen!
I think it is important to establish an AFTER plan as well as when you planned the HONEYMOON phase... This is great to establish how the relationship change goes before it happens.
How do you feel your experience (or if you haven't done it yet how you anticipate) relationships will happen for you ? What are/were YOUR desires? Thoughts?
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